The words over at Three Word Wednesday are occur, ragged and tidy.
The Recently Departed
There’s a fly in the cramped waiting area, incessantly buzzing and flitting to and fro.
It turns his stomach just a little.
“Filthy little bastard,” he thinks. “Goddamn unsanitary.”
He’s seated on a textured couch that has the unpleasant feel of burlap. It’s seen a lot of action and with each new visit, he thinks, there’s a new stain that’s been left in memorial.
He picks the end that’s pocked with cigarette burns, like tiny wounds, and shies away from the middle cushion with the rather large blot, which could be urine or something far worse.
He keeps his palms cupped on his knees, and every once and again runs a thumb over the small snag in his gray wool trousers.
When not watching the fly, he sneaks sideways glances at her.
She’s slumped against the fabric in what he ultimately decides is bad posture, but he’s taken with her simple beauty. He likes how a few strands of hair – fine and golden like corn silk – have come loose from the ponytail she wears.
When she turns to face him, he notices her eyes - glassy like marbles, but dull, sad. And it occurs to him that he’s staring.
She’s uncomfortable and picks at a few of the errant hair strands and tries to smooth them behind her ear.
He coughs, gestures with an open hand, index finger in a lazy point.
“Did that hurt?” he asks.
He’s pointing to the small, but ragged hole at her temple.
“Actually, no,” she says, suddenly conscious of the hair that’s singed from powder burns.
“I’m guessing .22-caliber?” he asks.
“Yes,” she says. “How can you tell?”
“No exit wound,” He says. “Very tidy.”
She wears no expression on her pale face, her white cheeks dotted with soft, reddish-tan freckles.
She’s staring at his skinny wrists.
“What about you?” she says, nodding her head toward him.
“Disturbingly so,” he says, running three fingers of his left hand over the waxy flesh of his right wrist. “And I was totally unprepared for the mess I left.”
He holds both hands palm up, studies the twin cuts on each wrist, each precisely two and three-quarters of an inch long.
“Razor blade?”
“Straight razor, actually. Amazingly sharp blade, really good high-carbon German steel.”
The conversation reaches a terminus and the sounds of the buzzing fly returns.
But he’s both curious, smitten. Embolden by their proximity in space, he inquires as to reasoning.
She instead describes her final moments in her bed, covers pulled up to her chin, gun pressed to her temple.
“It’s silly, really,” she says, finally. “It was over a boy.”
He raises his eyebrows at the news.
“You?”
He describes coming home from work, his things tossed haphazard into a cardboard box with no lid, after being laid off from a position he’d held for exactly 30 days shy of 25 years. He tells her about a slow reorganization of the contents in the box, all while filling a red wine glass several times with a bold, spicy Zinfandel he fancied.
He tells her about the final impulse to shave his wrists, deep and vertically speaking of course.
She listens politely.
“Makes you think,” he says, coughing into a clenched fist.
Another terminus, another cold, somber silence, fills the waiting room. She studies the weave of the fabric on the couch's armrest; he's back to stealing glances.
He jumps when his name is called, like a current has been run through him.
He stands awkwardly, runs his hands across his thighs to smooth out any wrinkles in the soft wool, clears his throat.
“Maybe we can talk again sometime?”
She looks up, meets his eyes with hers.
“Sure, maybe, I mean if, well, definitely - I hope we meet up again.”
He tries to grin, but can’t.
There is no smiling here.
The Walking Rock Alphabet: 0
2 hours ago


23 comments:
Hi Thom,
Chit chat in purgatory, modern style--nice.
I saw the storyline unfold, sans the details, from the title and the first line, and I still enjoyed it
(I note that one of the pleasurable extras of reading your writings, Thom, beyond the writing quality and the wordsmithing, themselves, is following the twists that, unexpectedly, still take me by surprise.)
I especially enjoyed that last line, the last two, really, combined with your narrator's wish for desire, for humanity, throughout the piece.
In my opinion, it was those two lines that made this piece work...
That said, I did like the description of her eyes being "glassy like marbles, but dull, sad" and the observations that she wore no expression on her pale face.
I admit that I didn't get the "disturbingly so" being a reference to his tidiness, on first read, although there is really nothing to anchor it to until he describes his mental process, unpacking his work life, lubricated by a spicy zinfandel that he fancied... that he fancied more than life.
Thanks for all these submissions that you offer all of us in the eworld.
I hope you don't mind the liberties I take with your prompts whilst still proclaiming myself to be following your prompts.
I am an errant follower, but that is noticeable in my posting irregularity.
You, though, are both consistent, and consistently far beyond competent. A pleasure to read and a read to be looked forward to.
All the best from Hong Kong,
Tschuess,
Chris
Delightfully gruesome. Excellently done.
Would be sad to meet someone you really liked in those circumstances.
very vivid story, with that touch of sadness. I like how the story is in a waiting room, a kind of "in between" place.
Intense. Oh, so intense.
That final sentence, about not smiling here. Youch.
Oh, the choices we make.
This one will stick with me.
Hi Thom, very nicely done, kept me going all the way through, really got the measure of the waiting room, perhaps the waiting room to hell!
aka Andy Sewina
You have a disturbing personality that seems to border to neurotic.
I like it. A lot.
I like the matter-of-fact way they discuss their recent demise. It's almost as though life is an inconvenience we have to experience before getting down to the real business/purpose.
its' another world, completely taken by your words, I thinking they won't meet again, perhaps they are awaiting to return as a different person
sorry, I forgot to say I am guest posting at http://blogjem.com, so sorry for letting you think I was new to 3ww but I will still spread the word on 3WW
I'm usually at http://www.justwritingwords.com/
expect for this week where I am guest blogging
Your attention to minute details drew me into the story as usual. I love this line for some reason, "He jumps when his name is called, like a current has been run through him." I think we've all had that feeling when nervously waiting for something and I like how you described it. Maybe they'll meet on happier turns in another life.
Oooh, chilling -- your wordsmithery and storytelling pulled me right in, then pulled me along. Goose bumps throughout, especially at the end, and nicely macabre touch with the buzzing fly.
I feel so out of touch with writing sometimes.
But you demonstrate so well how it can work when you are in touch.
Great work Thom. Great work.
Thank you!
A little zombie lovin? This was awesome - here they are on the other side of the veil so to speak, and they find each other. A day late and dollar short. Ain't that they way it goes?
I love it, Thom! This appeals to my love of the darker side. Great work!
You gatta love those German's and their steel. Clean and neat. Interesting comment about the 22 not leaving an exit wound. Never knew that. I took this as Dark Humor or may be it was me ... LOL. Fun read all around.
-Tim
http://timremp.blogspot.com/2010/02/within-box.html
I like the spare, pared-down quiet you've captured here. It's a sort of calm beyond the pain, where it's no longer worthwhile to have feelings.
Dark tones mix with hope and a dollop of grin free happiness. I like this. Well written. Room to play and think and re-read. Nice.
I read this the other day but didn't have time to comment. I just reread it and even though I knew the story, i was still drawn inside and it felt fresh.
You are always very good at those tiny details that feel effortless when reading. The feel of the couch, the hair strands, the glassy eyes, the box and wine--these are the touches that draw us in and draw your stories so well.
I've sat in doctor's offices and had chitchats with people while waiting.
The matter-of-fact way they discuss their suicides makes this story intriguing and chilling.
Purgatory is probably a boring place to wait. One hopes that it finds a better cleaning service.
Oh. Are flies native to the place or did this one kill itself, too? :)
I like to think they're waiting to enter into the next life, when maybe they'll get it right this go around, and maybe their conversation helps them do just that.
Fantastic detail that makes this so real, as it should be.
The only thing as far as critique I have is the title - if you aren't going for the "surprise" element, it works, but I believe the story itself could be shine even brighter with a title that doesn't immediately give it away. That said, I can't think of one off the top of my head that would be better. :)
I enjoy your work a lot - thanks so much for sharing it!
There's flies in purgatory?!?!
You have an art of throwing pieces of the outcome at the reader little by little so precisely timed in the events of the story that force the reader to follow your lead further and further, and with growing hunger.
Was that all one sentence? Oops. I agree with Peggy too, the details like the freckles and the razor blade really make the story crisp.
I am not at all surprised that there are flies in purgatory.
Is this specifically a suicides waiting room I wonder? I like the way they discuss their deaths
Post a Comment